Hobbit-Sense at OneFreeGarden.com

I haven’t been as dedicated in reading this week, but I have been pondering what I have been reading.  As I mentioned, per Jen F.’s recommendation I got Ten Prayers God Always Says Yes To.  The only thing consistent about my prayer life is how haphazard it is, so I’ve been trying to get in rosaries or the Jesus prayer when I think of it.  But this little book has been a gem, not only because it’s got a lot of truth and good pointers, but also because it’s made me think about my values.

More than thinking about them, it’s got me thinking about how I live them.  I’ve always been sensible and I’ve always been big-hearted, I think.  And in many instances, these two things have been at odds.  Sometimes, the heart wins, and sometimes, the head does.  Of course, sense and compassion aren’t inherently contradictory– it’s just that I often find myself pulled between them.

The heart winning has had its problems– I can tell you it does not mean one jot in terms of holiness in and of itself.  But that would take another whole post.  The head winning has saved my bacon a number of times, but there has been one area where it has always left me heartsick.

The prayer from that book is this:  God, outdo me in generosity.

I like to think of myself as a generous person.  I am I think rather generous with time and talents.  But giving money I’m not usually so generous.  And it bugs me.  One is purely selfish, not giving at church or giving little.  If a disaster happens, or I read about some charity needing help, I’m there– but when it’s personal, I am always in two minds- or rather I’m stuck between head and heart in a cycle of charitable heartburn.

Basically, I listened to all the arguments about giving to strangers on the street.

And I never gave anything to strangers on the street.

And I always regretted it.

But this prayer got me thinking.  God will always answer it, but I didn’t want to ask– because there was nothing to outdo, atleast monetarily.  I let money concerns for myself, which could easily budget in a few rubles for other people, outweigh the heart that walks past a beggar and cries a little.

I had grand ideas– okay, so maybe beggars are drunkards, and if you give them money they’ll buy booze.  Well, one day, thought I as a little girl, I’ll go around with McDonald’s money so I know it’ll be for food.  And the adult never has.  One day, I’ll give them rides to homeless shelters or work with the beggars.  And the adult never has.  Now, I’m still early 20s, so I’m not counting myself out, but I miss the little girl my parents were terrified would be walked all over trying to be friends with everyone– the little girl who said “Hi!” to every person she passed in the mall.

And here in Moscow, it’s worse.  Yes, there are drinking problems, of course.  But the beggars are largely old women and disabled people, some on the metro, some old women in the streets prostrating and crossing themselves.  And for the past few weeks I’ve walked right by them into the church I attend, where I put a few rubles in the collection basket and felt like a hypocrite.

And that feeling, at the same time as reading this book, and the old worries about it percolating around my brain, may have been the greatest gift I’ve gotten this year.

God, outdo me in generosity.

I figured, if I wanted to really be able to say that prayer honestly, I needed to do something.  I don’t make tons as a teacher, and I haven’t mastered budgeting (although I’ve done a good job of not spending everything).  My main issue at this point is how hard it is to get change, actually.  I know that I really cannot afford to give lots of money.  But I decided I had to do something.

I’m not going to lie, it’s kind of scary.  I always seem to be picked out by the more forceful beggars- if five people are walking down a street, I’m the one who is actually approached and asked.  Throw in that I don’t really know the functional language of begging, and it’s pretty jarring.  And old man chastised me on my street a week before this decision for not giving him money, not realising I was actually pretty startled (he crossed the street to ask me).  I don’t know why I get singled out, but I think it was probably a grace I didn’t know I was getting.

I didn’t give that old man any money, just like I didn’t give the crippled girl any money, or the man with no legs who rides on my metro line on a plank with four wheels any money, or the few beggars outside church shortly before my Mass starts.

I thought Moscow would be a tough town to be a beggar in.  And I guess I was wrong- because all of a sudden, where I hadn’t seen anyone giving money, I started seeing people in the metro, which seems so… distant- there is no cameraderie in the kind you sometimes get on the T in Boston really– I started seeing them pull out money, often bills (as opposed to coins which are only up to 5 rubles).

And I did too for the crippled girl, that second time I saw her, with my bag from freakin’ Ikea.

It wasn’t an overall change, but it was something.  I still didn’t give anything to the old lady crossing herself I passed searching for a metro.  I was unsure how to handle all people begging underground, too.

And then on Sunday it was enough.  I couldn’t walk into God’s house and leave his children outside without atleast doing something- and I couldn’t pray that prayer, either, even though I wanted to.  When I walked in, there was a begging bag sitting there, and a crippled man standing. I wasn’t sure what was his, so I put some coins into both.  On the way out, there were two old women begging.  I gave each of them 10 rubles, not much but there being so many beggars I figured it made the most sense– I can’t go past them anymore.

One of them called for God to bless me.  The other told me she had a bad leg and needed lots of money.  I certainly felt better, even with feeling bad about not giving more– and better yet, I didn’t feel resentful of the fact that the second had peeked into my wallet as I got out the bill and seen I had more cash on me.

I gave away money to 2 or 3 more people this week.  I haven’t get given to my ‘local’ beggars who are usually at my metro stop, because I think I can’t afford to do it every time I see them so I will space it out.  It will also depend of course on what bills I have on me- I can’t afford to give away the bigger bills, and if people are stacked up in a row I can’t do that for everyone.

Essentially, I’m still a long ways from the widow’s mite– but I’ve finally given God something to outdo.

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Hmmm.. that turned out longer and more rambling than anticipated.. I think I needed to do it.  Too bad that now I really need to go to bed!  Thanks, any who may be reading.

-Rosy